I've been feeling very fluttery, and I've been trying to channel that feeling into my art. I want to feel that same way when I think about creating art. I love the anxiety, I realize this, and I try to be careful about what I do. But yeah, that's new for me.

I took down the drawing I made recently because it just looks like shit, I hate it. I'm gonna make something better lol. And this isn't my perfectionism! I genuinely think I can do better!

I am bad at writing lyrics, so that is my main thing today. I will write lyrics! And I will finish it! And it won't be perfect but it will be someting to work with and that's what matters! I can do anything, so why can't I do this? I need positive affirmations to help me through this.

Also I've been drawing men kissing, it's fun. I recently noticed that the gay men ocs I made are bascally the ones I made in early high school except the roles are reversed. It is a yandere x tsundere dynamic that I love so much for some reason. I think it is because I am someone who is very cautious with anything related to romance. The concept of a character being in love yet everytime they express it comes off as distancing themselves, paired with a person who is obsessive and can't help but express it is just...MWAH. *chefs kiss*. It is like the perfect swirl.

I've been drawing again! It feels super refreshing, because for so long I've just been daydreaming about the things I want to draw. Now I'm putting it to paper! I think apart of my apprehension to drawing has been about my abilities not living up to my imagination, but I am learning to let that go to truly create what I want. Maybe I can get myself to apply this to music as well.

Anyways, though I have had a small triumph over my mind, I still have problems. My depression or whatever it is this week has been going overdrive. I think I'm just scared of the future, and it makes me want to die to avoid the pain of all the adult decisions I must make in my life. I have also been feeling a bit dysphoric, which isnt new but it hasn't felt this bad in a while. I don't feel like myself, it could also be some kind of derealization.

Off topic, but I noticed I have a tendency to push people who want to get to know me away. I don't know why. I keep getting these recurring ideas, like the universe is sending me a message, that there is someone in my life who wants to get close to me but I am ignoring them. Whoever that is, I am sorry. I am just oblivious. Also, maybe it's a skill issue for them too, TRY HARDER LOL.

Welcome to my website. I reset it again. I've been falling back into bad art habits. Perfectionism and all, it kinda scares me. But I'm trying to work through it seriously now. I want to focus just creating. I get scared of social media, so I will avoid it. I just wanna make art and have fun, and stop feeling like I'm being watched when I create. Anyways...Let's try again.